Bob E: Why have you decided to do this interview now?
God: You asked. Most people that talk to me are just praying for strength or to win the lottery.
Bob E: There are lots of people who claim to communicate with you.
God: There are many people that pray to me and many that think that they here voices. Most of the people that hear voices are crazy. You can imagine how difficult it would be to answer all prayers. The average person can’t even keep up with their e-mails.
Bob E: Why are the greatest oil reserves in the Middle East?
God: I’ll have to admit that this was one of my mistakes. Then again I didn’t know the Arabs would turn out to be such assholes. To make matters worse, they don’t even believe in me. I guess I could redistribute the oil. But, fighting for it builds character.
Bob E: Why did my father die at such a young age?
God: Everyone thinks I have a master plan. This is not so. After creating the heavens and the earth in six days I rested. And a day was a lot longer back then. In fact I am still resting. What I did was create a random event machine. It’s sort of like a random number generator. Every day events are spit out which may affect you for better or worse. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “shit happens” or “your number is up.”
Bob E: The Jews say they are the “chosen people” Is this true, and if so what are they chosen for?
God: If that makes them feel good about themselves so be it. You are all God’s children.
Bob E: Who gets to go to heaven?
God: Well the jury is still out on you if that’s what you mean. A lot of people will be shocked when they enter the pearly gates and see who’s here. The Christians believe that if you believe and are baptized it’s automatic. This is not the case. All those people on death row that think they have found Jesus are going to be in for a big shock. Last week a young boy in the Amazon was killed by a school of piranhas. He was not baptized and had never heard of me. But, he’s up here with me now.
Bob E: Speaking of Jesus, is he really your son?
God: Well 33% of the world’s population believes that he is. Now that I think about that’s only slightly better than George Bush’s approval rating. Short of a paternity test, there is no way to prove it. Even though I invented DNA I don’t have any myself. I will say this: when you get to heaven you’ll find out.
Bob E: In the Bible there is reference to a lot of miracles. Why don’t we have any miracles today?
God: That depends on how you define miracle. People believe that if their child is run over by a truck and the doctors say there is no hope but he lives; it must be a miracle. This is not a miracle. If you mean turning water into wine or parting the Red Sea; these were real miracles. People today are too skeptical for miracles to work. In the 1800’s I sent a few angels to earth. They performed a few miracles and they were charged with witchcraft and burned at the stake.
Bob E: Thousands of years ago there were a lot of evil people on earth so you sent a big flood. Speaking of today; what did we do to deserve Britney Spears?
God: She is not punishment. I’m just having a little fun. I gave everyone a free will. Every so often I create a few people to see how stupid a person can act, e.g. Britney and Paris Hilton.
Bob E: Why did Moses wander around in the desert for 40 years?
God: First of all, it wasn’t really 40 years in today’s terms. But remember, Moses had no maps, or GPS. The compass wasn’t even invented until the 11th century. What’s more amazing is the number of people that followed a person around who didn’t know where he was going.
Bob E: The Jews have been praying for peace for 5,768 years. Are you ignoring them?
God: Not really. Remember, patience is a virtue. Also I have a different concept of time than you do. I don’t even own a watch.
God: Sorry Bob E. I have to run. Sarah Palin is saying her bedtime prayers and I don’t want to miss any of them. Even I enjoy a good laugh.