Ever since I was a small boy, I wanted a dog. My parents wouldn’t get one for me as they reasoned that they would end up taking care of it. They were probably right.
I was an adult when I finally got Mr. Peabody, and it was by accident. I was walking down the street, and as I passed some trash cans, I heard some whimpering coming from one of the cans. I looked inside and there was the cutest little beagle puppy I had ever seen. It was love at first sight. Little Mr. Peabody was so happy to get out of the can, that he couldn’t stop licking my face. I quickly went to the local pet store and got some puppy chow and other puppy supplies.
After we returned home, Mr. Peabody made himself right at home. I soon realized that Mr. Peabody was no ordinary dog. Within days, he had toilet trained himself and was bringing in the morning newspaper.
It was the following New Year’s day when I realized how special Mr. Peabody was. I had been partying all night long, and I had forgotten to unplug the Christmas tree lights. By New Year’s Eve the tree was pretty dried out, as I had put it up right after Thanksgiving. The lights caught the tree on fire, and it was starting to spread to the drapes. I was sound asleep as the smoke started to enter the bedroom. Mr. Peabody started barking and jumping on the bed until I finally woke up. We got out the front door just as the fire department was arriving. I never found out who called 911. The 911 operator said it sounded as if someone was barking Morse Code. However, she’s sure she was mistaken. In any case, Mr. Peabody saved my life.
Several years later I decided to move into a condo as the house was getting to be too much to take care of. I looked at least twelve condos in the same area. They all allowed pets except one, which happened to be the one I liked. There was no way I was going anywhere without Mr. Peabody. After doing a little research, I found that I could call Mr. Peabody a service animal. A precedent had been set at this condo by another resident who claimed he was so depressed that he needed a dog. The State of Florida had almost stumbled over themselves in an attempt to be politically correct. With no regard for the other 999 residents who had moved to this condo because it didn’t allow pets, they had allowed the first of soon to be many “service animals.”
I can ignore the rights of the majority as well as the next guy, so my best friend and I moved in. My adjacent neighbors don’t mind Mr. Peabody as he only barks if there is a fire, someone breaking in, or if their TV is too loud.
I take Mr. Peabody everywhere. He really likes our boat. In no time at all, he got his sea legs. He has such a sense of direction that he has warned me on several occasions that the anchor was dragging. Mr. Peabody has given new meaning to “man’s best friend.”
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
An interview with God
Bob E: Why have you decided to do this interview now?
God: You asked. Most people that talk to me are just praying for strength or to win the lottery.
Bob E: There are lots of people who claim to communicate with you.
God: There are many people that pray to me and many that think that they here voices. Most of the people that hear voices are crazy. You can imagine how difficult it would be to answer all prayers. The average person can’t even keep up with their e-mails.
Bob E: Why are the greatest oil reserves in the Middle East?
God: I’ll have to admit that this was one of my mistakes. Then again I didn’t know the Arabs would turn out to be such assholes. To make matters worse, they don’t even believe in me. I guess I could redistribute the oil. But, fighting for it builds character.
Bob E: Why did my father die at such a young age?
God: Everyone thinks I have a master plan. This is not so. After creating the heavens and the earth in six days I rested. And a day was a lot longer back then. In fact I am still resting. What I did was create a random event machine. It’s sort of like a random number generator. Every day events are spit out which may affect you for better or worse. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “shit happens” or “your number is up.”
Bob E: The Jews say they are the “chosen people” Is this true, and if so what are they chosen for?
God: If that makes them feel good about themselves so be it. You are all God’s children.
Bob E: Who gets to go to heaven?
God: Well the jury is still out on you if that’s what you mean. A lot of people will be shocked when they enter the pearly gates and see who’s here. The Christians believe that if you believe and are baptized it’s automatic. This is not the case. All those people on death row that think they have found Jesus are going to be in for a big shock. Last week a young boy in the Amazon was killed by a school of piranhas. He was not baptized and had never heard of me. But, he’s up here with me now.
Bob E: Speaking of Jesus, is he really your son?
God: Well 33% of the world’s population believes that he is. Now that I think about that’s only slightly better than George Bush’s approval rating. Short of a paternity test, there is no way to prove it. Even though I invented DNA I don’t have any myself. I will say this: when you get to heaven you’ll find out.
Bob E: In the Bible there is reference to a lot of miracles. Why don’t we have any miracles today?
God: That depends on how you define miracle. People believe that if their child is run over by a truck and the doctors say there is no hope but he lives; it must be a miracle. This is not a miracle. If you mean turning water into wine or parting the Red Sea; these were real miracles. People today are too skeptical for miracles to work. In the 1800’s I sent a few angels to earth. They performed a few miracles and they were charged with witchcraft and burned at the stake.
Bob E: Thousands of years ago there were a lot of evil people on earth so you sent a big flood. Speaking of today; what did we do to deserve Britney Spears?
God: She is not punishment. I’m just having a little fun. I gave everyone a free will. Every so often I create a few people to see how stupid a person can act, e.g. Britney and Paris Hilton.
Bob E: Why did Moses wander around in the desert for 40 years?
God: First of all, it wasn’t really 40 years in today’s terms. But remember, Moses had no maps, or GPS. The compass wasn’t even invented until the 11th century. What’s more amazing is the number of people that followed a person around who didn’t know where he was going.
Bob E: The Jews have been praying for peace for 5,768 years. Are you ignoring them?
God: Not really. Remember, patience is a virtue. Also I have a different concept of time than you do. I don’t even own a watch.
God: Sorry Bob E. I have to run. Sarah Palin is saying her bedtime prayers and I don’t want to miss any of them. Even I enjoy a good laugh.
God: You asked. Most people that talk to me are just praying for strength or to win the lottery.
Bob E: There are lots of people who claim to communicate with you.
God: There are many people that pray to me and many that think that they here voices. Most of the people that hear voices are crazy. You can imagine how difficult it would be to answer all prayers. The average person can’t even keep up with their e-mails.
Bob E: Why are the greatest oil reserves in the Middle East?
God: I’ll have to admit that this was one of my mistakes. Then again I didn’t know the Arabs would turn out to be such assholes. To make matters worse, they don’t even believe in me. I guess I could redistribute the oil. But, fighting for it builds character.
Bob E: Why did my father die at such a young age?
God: Everyone thinks I have a master plan. This is not so. After creating the heavens and the earth in six days I rested. And a day was a lot longer back then. In fact I am still resting. What I did was create a random event machine. It’s sort of like a random number generator. Every day events are spit out which may affect you for better or worse. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “shit happens” or “your number is up.”
Bob E: The Jews say they are the “chosen people” Is this true, and if so what are they chosen for?
God: If that makes them feel good about themselves so be it. You are all God’s children.
Bob E: Who gets to go to heaven?
God: Well the jury is still out on you if that’s what you mean. A lot of people will be shocked when they enter the pearly gates and see who’s here. The Christians believe that if you believe and are baptized it’s automatic. This is not the case. All those people on death row that think they have found Jesus are going to be in for a big shock. Last week a young boy in the Amazon was killed by a school of piranhas. He was not baptized and had never heard of me. But, he’s up here with me now.
Bob E: Speaking of Jesus, is he really your son?
God: Well 33% of the world’s population believes that he is. Now that I think about that’s only slightly better than George Bush’s approval rating. Short of a paternity test, there is no way to prove it. Even though I invented DNA I don’t have any myself. I will say this: when you get to heaven you’ll find out.
Bob E: In the Bible there is reference to a lot of miracles. Why don’t we have any miracles today?
God: That depends on how you define miracle. People believe that if their child is run over by a truck and the doctors say there is no hope but he lives; it must be a miracle. This is not a miracle. If you mean turning water into wine or parting the Red Sea; these were real miracles. People today are too skeptical for miracles to work. In the 1800’s I sent a few angels to earth. They performed a few miracles and they were charged with witchcraft and burned at the stake.
Bob E: Thousands of years ago there were a lot of evil people on earth so you sent a big flood. Speaking of today; what did we do to deserve Britney Spears?
God: She is not punishment. I’m just having a little fun. I gave everyone a free will. Every so often I create a few people to see how stupid a person can act, e.g. Britney and Paris Hilton.
Bob E: Why did Moses wander around in the desert for 40 years?
God: First of all, it wasn’t really 40 years in today’s terms. But remember, Moses had no maps, or GPS. The compass wasn’t even invented until the 11th century. What’s more amazing is the number of people that followed a person around who didn’t know where he was going.
Bob E: The Jews have been praying for peace for 5,768 years. Are you ignoring them?
God: Not really. Remember, patience is a virtue. Also I have a different concept of time than you do. I don’t even own a watch.
God: Sorry Bob E. I have to run. Sarah Palin is saying her bedtime prayers and I don’t want to miss any of them. Even I enjoy a good laugh.
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